Twig for Fire

Once in a while, I do appreciate downbeat attitude thrown at me. It shows that people care, even if they plainly flooding it in a harmful way. What you just said that erupted character toxins in the air , has more or less effects on them. They have strong convictions over some issues you hate or love about, and the mere fact that they risk approval of the majority for that matter is worth a standing ovation.

Yes, I do appreciate hate words, even those from the pro-choice and pro-abortion side of the earth and yes, even an “f” sign from that reckless driver down interstate 495.

But what I hate most is apathy.

Apathy lingers everywhere. I have seen it from my high school student’s blank stare after a well prepared lesson on issues of morality, freedom and responsibilities. It caused an uncalled death of a homeless guy in downtown D.C because 160 plus people passing by were scared to stop the attacker and worst too busy to call 911. Apathy may have been the reason why a visiting man just died of heart attack in a busy hallway of a hospital in Maryland and in millions of crime and injustices around the world.

I do think in many times I am completely guilty of endorsing and living apathy in my life. Worst, I hurt people and led them away from the truth and happiness because of that. It is sad to say that those I loved are the most victimized of my version of apathy. Surely, parents know well what I am saying.

And so a resolution—to hate what I hate most ! It is hard, I know , but the mere fact I realize it, is enough to start a new beginning. And if I fail, may I not go further in the mud the next time.

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Twilight Saga: Waving goodbye with a grin

At last, I watched the Twilight’s Breaking DAwn Part 1…

My feelings for this movie has always been gray. I can’t decide whether I like it or not , or it is worth my wampum and time.  I definitely like LOTR, HP and Narnia , but Twilight is one of those movies that when someone asks me whether I like it , I can only reply ‘Hmmmm…”.
So ,why I headed for the movie today?
One of my few friends here in VA named Ate Christine has a huge crush on Robert Pattinson and so do I. Though Edward Cullen’s smile can be creepy, there is an ethereal part of it that inexplicably affects me. I guess that’s why he is called a vampire.
Unlike , Harry Potter, LOTR and Narnia, I haven’t read the  Twilight book before I purchase a movie ticket so there is that element of surprise. I am also a  sucker for love triangle ,  so Jake’s existence,  for me, added  spice to the story.
I guess I am also a hopeless romantic and proud of it. For me a story is not a story if there is no facet of serendipity, rebellion, tragedy and exuberant devotion . Have you seen Bella almost killing herself for the love of Edward?
Per my research, Twilight’s author is a practicing and devout member of the church of LDS. I love her for adding purity of marriage in the book. What made that honeymoon in Brazil so fresh and thrilling  was that they were doing the act of love for the first time. Kind of funny too after seeing its aftermath, don’t you think? Wink!
Yet, why am I hesitant to give this saga at least a three-star mark?
I don’t like the character of Bella. Period. She is a disgrace to women.  I can’t understand why a century-old and wise person oops vampire like Edward would fall for her. Have you seen how fragile and depressed she was just because Edward was nowhere to be seen in the previous movie? I always hate the saying” you complete me” and that is how she acts for Edward. One’ cant love when one is not complete. I guess she just caught one  of my peeves—- weak women who can’t live without their men.
Then, there is the story plot. And sorry to disappoint you, it all revolves around protecting Bella and supporting her whimsical and selfish decision. Codes and treaties were deemed unsacred for the love of Bella. Is she worth it?Yeah, I sound so jealous of her , right? Well at least Frodo’s supporter knows they are having a hard time fighting the Orcs so that the ring can be destroyed or Cedric Diggory died knowing he’s helping Harry Potter destroy Voldemort.
Yes,  a story is not a story without a tragedy but not a tragedy solely for the evil family . So far, who died among the Cullen family? Who sacrifice for the greater good  ( if indeed there is a greater good) ?
Oh well,  I haven’t made up my mind about this saga.  For all it’s worth, I enjoyed watching it with Ate Christine  and talking about it with my friends online.

Ink overflowed

Ink Overflowed

I have a nostalgic visit of Guimaras Island tonight. Well, if one can realize how sweet Guimaras mangoes are compared to Mexico’s mangoes I just had, then it is a walk down memory lane. Thanks to Ate Christine who gave me a box of mangoes from Mexico, I was able to once again make a yummy mango float. Grrr, now i start missing Iloilo and Guimaras again and of course the company of friends that made those places truly a magical one…
Which bring me to the thought of that movie I watched recently- Mr. Magorium’s Emporium. The Emporium , owned by a 243 year old eccentric man , is a magical store. It is not a toy store but a magical store. I do believe it is a magical store, because i just believe it is a magical store. If you believe it is a toy store, then it becomes a mere toy store. I guess what I am trying to say is that , we are what we believe we are.
Now can you realize there is an unrelated pattern in my thoughts? Youre right, because like Mahoney in the movie, i lost that light within me and seems can’t turn the next page in the book of life. Spring is coming soon and how i long that it will touch my soul too. I feel like I’ve been in this winter for so long. I miss the old me. But the “old me” is not anymore the “new me”, right? I can’t fit anymore in this chapter. I need to turn to the next page , where the “new me” is the one in-charge. I am not a kid anymore , that’s why my parents have to leave the ship already.
The chapters continue, regardless whoever flips it. A prayer to the Writer— May i be part of HIS happy ending too….

Mathusian theory is dead

With so much hype about global warming , here comes a new dvd (http://www.demographicwinter.com/index.html) that will surely land in the rotten tomato’s highest honor  and  a thumbs down among politically correct individual. It is a documentary film about  the extinction of the human family and how it affects the economy, environment and quality of life. Truly, not a “good feel “ movie for many, especially the Malthusian and Utilitarians, but I hope it will open our minds to the potentiality of human life and the possible catastrophe that would result in the decrease of human population. It is a reverse forewarning of global warming and other ecological admonitions and for sure is well ostracized in the mainstream society that applauds individuality, mother earth, bohemian living and new age thoughts.

So much really have been done to curb global warming in the past years. I thank those people who initiated the wake up call that I need to be responsible daughter of mother Earth but I hate the guts of those who wants to save whales while at the same time consider trimester abortion as mere garbage disposal. Thanks to those same humanoids, the word ” humanity” has such a murky meaning. I like animals, in fact, I had one dog named Voltron years ago , and which death I mourned with my innocent heart. I love to be with nature and I rather choose to tire myself from threading in the sea than to wade and destroy the corals. But to share my rights with animals is another crap of a story.
Perhaps I sounded so judgmental and strong in my feelings but yeah, this is what I feel and I am really angry and just want to rant here. The recent inauguration of the first African-American  president was celebrated with so much splurges that will cost us, the taxpayers a sweet 150M, amidst this ominous economic depression. But what pains my heart is that , the celebration was highlighted with the slaughters of the innocents when Pres. Obama reversed all the anti-abortion policies of the past president the very next day. Then, to add toppings to their crime desserts, Nancy Pelosi suggested that abortion and contraception should form part of the economic stimulus plan and universal health care plan. Wow! What a way of giving blessing to a killing but to do it in the name of progress and economic survival. Grrrrrr!!!

As a survivor of abortion and as a child of a mother who gave importance to life than to a choice, what can I do? Would this ranting enough to melt the heart of those who can truly make a big ripple of change. I feel so helpless! But I realize that  I also  share this sentiment with millions of people who had  fought for  the end of slavery and holocaust. Those days, the American-Africans  and the the Jews were not considered human , thus they had  limited rights. They were born marked with destined  persecution and a life of  disgrace.Thanks to the unending clamor of people of good will and a ray of grace from above, they  now have seen  the light of their dreams. One day, you too, child of God  in  a form of a fetus will be acknowledged as a human being , with innate rights, from your conception to death…Human Life is beautiful even many do not recognize this fact…http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V2CaBR3z85c&eurl=http://www.catholicvote.com/static/flash/cv_yt_player.swf

 

Woman, Female, Lady, Girl

“Man, you’re such a girl!”

It’s been ancient years since i heard that remark about me. Surrounded by  many male cousins who either have one or two sisters, my quirks were always very revolutionary to them. Under the summer heat , while in the midst of riding carabaos or playing hide and seek, they always gaped at how I can’t be as smelly as they get, or why I see more of the little bugs around and giggled at the sight of a humungous pretty butterfly. If I would volunteer to organize our playdates, fixing food so we can have something to eat, making interesting conversations and thinking of mischievous  things to do  on a full moon night—for them I am being normal. But when i try to be less violent in our games and remind them to be kind to other kids, well, I am just being a girl.

After high school, I had more girlfriends than boyfriends. Over coffee, we would discuss anything under the sun and they were such a loyal companions if i need someone on a “pautwas” night. Make-ups, beer and snorkeling are related under our own lingo. Shopping became a therapeutic addiction even it means getting it in a flea market we called “Magarbo”. We cried, prayed and celebrated each others ups and downs. Whew, to say i miss them is such an understatement.

Now, I just heard that comment again. “Man, you’re such a girl”. And that was uttered by my beloved husband who has a mother and a sister. And yes, I am really a girl, a woman , a female!
I guess men can never ever understand how female specie’s brain works even when he lives with them forever. And for a girl like me who is so comfortable being one, I can never understand why manly men are sometimes just want to sit around eating red meat and talking about macho topics I can never hope to comprehend like football, imported beers and x-box. I am always aghast every time my husband buy things he needs in just a second without looking for other options in the shelves or why he can’t focus on what I am saying when he is driving or why he can’t see spider webs in our bathroom. Because they are like that, I always reserve my date for a syrupy romantic movies and my timeless quest for that most coveted shoes with my girlfriends so as not to torture my good husband.

These blatant differences in male and female are actually making our life less of a banal existence. I will never ever buy that ageless mantra of so called feminist movement that honks for equality of man and woman in all aspects of society. They are already equal in dignity but equality doesn’t mean they have to have same roles and functions. Men are born hunters and we women are born nurturers. One is not superior to the other and one can’t exist without the other.

Anyways, below are just few of idiosyncrasies of female species that never fully understood by men but which i think we need to explain the whys behind it. I got it from my favorite author Becca D. For all girlie girls out there, have fun reading!

“You always carry, like, the whole world around in your purse.”This is actually an incredibly shrewd precautionary tactic. For all you intrepid Eagle Scouts out there, it’s pretty much the same concept as “Be prepared”… only packaged in a really cute designer hand bag. It may weigh ten pounds, but I know I’m equipped for anything the night might throw at me: photo ops, cardiac arrests, international travel, or just a midnight snack. You tease me for it, but just try to count all the times you’ve asked me if you can borrow a pen.
“You always travel to the bathroom in flocks!” Walk into any ladies’ restroom on a weekend night and you’ll find a level of cutthroat analysis and strategic plotting roughly equivalent to a Soviet-era war council. This is where the real deals are cut, as the essentials of who’s in a crisis, who’s trying to push a certain agenda, and who needs back-up are hammered out in rapid-fire succession. When a group of girls suddenly returns to the table after having disappeared for 15 or 20 minutes, rest assured: your every word, gesture, and choice of entrée has been ruthlessly deconstructed, the remainder of the evening has been meticulously orchestrated…and we even had time to reapply our makeup.
“You spend way too much time getting ready.” This is merely a trivial side effect of one of our most priceless talents: attention to detail. For any minor inconveniences, it’s this innate instinct that makes us such good decorators, organizers, listeners, cooks, and gift-givers. Stop to consider: without it, we might make it to the movie theater 10 minutes earlier…but the trade-off would be nebulous Friday night plans, boring Christmas presents, and a lifetime of undercooked macaroni-and-cheese birthday dinners. We take longer on the things we care about, because we want to make sure they’re just right…for you. So don’t criticize us, thank us – when we finally appear, we’ll make it worth your wait.
“That’s such a girlie drink” From what I can ascertain, “girlie” in this case actually means “something that does not taste like a mixture of sour milk and gasoline.” While I am admittedly partial to drinks that are elegant-looking and not horrifically painful to consume, I consider this to be less scruple than common sense. Why would I drink something that smells awful and tastes three times worse when I can have a cocktail that I actually enjoy? In my opinion, the ability to drink something horrible without flinching doesn’t suggest lion-hearted bravery…just a lack of functioning taste buds. Want to prove to me you’re courageous? Sign up to be a volunteer firefighter or agree to show your face at a swing-dancing night. Then I’ll really be impressed… and I might even let you buy me a daiquiri.
“You have absolutely no sense of direction.” Completely and totally guilty as charged. I can’t tell the North Pole from the Equator, and I’m not ashamed to admit it. Then again, this is one among many reasons that I’m so thankful God put men on the Earth. I may laugh at your quirks (such as that internal compass which prompts you to tell me “head due Northwest” in the middle of a major city), but I can’t help but appreciate the countless positive contributions you make to my life. Ensuring I actually make it from point A to point B is definitely one of them.
“You run (throw/scream/walk/dance) like a girl!” My personal favorite, just because of the obviousness of the statement. Yes, thank you for noticing – I am. But then again… aren’t you glad?

Oh Boy, I can never ever disagree! (a big LOL!)

Melancholy + wine=murky-worded blog

What I like about blogging is that it  captures prized  memories that might come handy when new events in life requires you to recall it.  I’m posting here an entry I wrote when I was in so much grief about the passing of my parents. I wrote this in one of the darkest hours of my life , that even some of my friends can’t understand it, unless they are acquainted with grief.

October 10, 2011

What is it like?

 

Today is another blue-sky day, yet another day closer to  winter. The leaves have changed their monotone colors and have started evolving into a fire dance. Gone are the days where the wind brings in a symphony of humdrum songs from the ice cream truck and giggles of innocent children in the street. The parks have called it a rest and succumbed to the silence of the beaches and woods till spring comes in their midst. Oh the fall indeed ushered the great winter and such passage is a perpetual mystery.

 

Everyone around me is silent and the leaves seem to be sleeping. Where are the deers that pay visit in my backyard and brave the evil plans of humanity? The trains are still in a far away land and their sounds will yet wake me up in my slumber. Or will they be delayed? I am aware that what I perceived as happening is unreal. The world is moving on, without any thought of a destination. Everyone I guess is living, with a pretend  purpose in their cups. They have beliefs of immortality, thus they creep into whatever crevices they find themselves jovial. No thoughts of consequences, nor what ripples it can cause in the river of life. No guilt to answer to or shadows to fear for. Their road continue without end . Free, yet bounded by self and the vulnerability of being alone in a wide and stark desert.

 

I envy them not though I am one of them. I desire for the life of those who are immovable when death calls them in . They live their life the same as before whether misery ushers them in its hall of tears. They have found adventures in the prose of daily  life and only them have embraced the exquisite beauty of poverty . Nothing can shake their footstool . Each of their moment is a chance for weaving their tapestry of eternal life. Why can’t I not one of them?

 

 

I rather deny the problem but….

I’ve been there , done that…Million times!  That is – closing my eyes and pretend that  there is no problem to solve.

 

I grew up being taunted by my weight.  It got worsen when I was in high school . Having excess bulges when you are a kid might land you a contract in Eat Bulaga but not when your peers are teens. The world was black and white – thin or fat; short or tall. There was no room for other  shades.  Good thing I was  surrounded by family and friends who  had other standard of happiness than being pretty , popular of slim. My father for a start instilled in me that a value of a person depends on the  size of her heart. My Mom admired people who are well –read. My friends have reinforced my humor. I guess , they all compensated for all the snide remarks and I came out ok.  I finished college and got married without having to attend a boot camp so I can fit in to a size 2 bridal dress on my wedding day.

 

Everything is almost okay till now when I need to be healthy so  I can get pregnant.  I ballooned to 220 pounds since I got married . I can think of many excuses for this- hectic graduate school schedule,  binge eating to lessen  my grief and homesickness, American food, friends who are good at cooking and sharing their food , and many more. But it boils down to my choice . I chose to eat that dessert with thousands calories rather than getting on my shoes and head for the gym.  There is no one to be blamed but me.

 

So, first step towards that elusive dream is to face the problem. The problem is that I am 100 pounds over my ideal weight of 120.  I’ve lost 10 pounds since January by eating low carb foods and an app called couch –to- 5k.  I know it is a long way to that ideal dress size so I consider this quest like another graduate degree and translate monthly weight goals into semesters or course hours.  So wish me luck!